So I never finished the Mr Sporty story…
I can summarise it for you quickly in the few bullet points below:
- Desire led to us being back in bed together just before Christmas
- Naïve hope made me think this might be a good sign and a turning point
-Fear of Commitment prevailed on his part however (or whatever other issues of which I know nothing)
- Farewells were finally said as I summoned, with some difficulty, the strength I needed to walk away (though not without having goodbye sex).
Now we are back at work after the Christmas break and this whole episode might as well never have happened. I refuse to make any special effort and him likewise, though we are friendly enough in social situations. I guess it makes life easier in a way...
It is rather weird...but I'm proud of myself for not showing my emotions or disappointment. I should have known from the start it was never going to amount to anything. I let the wicked sex taint my perception...it still clouds my vision when I'm feeling a little fragile from time to time. When I find the urge to text him coming on I write the message in a note book instead. Texts he'll never get like: 'I want to fuck you still...' etc - when I'm feeling drunk and horny and not thinking too straight.
A fellow colleague of mine (remember The Nowhere Man?) has just met a girl and he's a great inspiration to look to. He's so excited about this new girl, he's practically doing kart-wheels. The girl is in for a treat as he's got all sorts of nice plans lined up for when she comes to visit soon. I sit and listen to him and I look at the smile on his face and his general cheer - this is a guy who is keen. This is what was missing with me and Mr Sporty (well...except in the bedroom).
I hope I can take note of this so I don't make the same mistake again later down the line.
This last year has certainly been a year about doing my best to keep my chin up in situations where in the past I would have crumpled and given into blind emotion. Don't get me wrong, I still feel the emotion but I try not to wear my heart on my sleeves quite as much these days and I certainly avoid degrading or shaming myself at all costs.
Dare I say I've learnt from all that experience? Well...I hope so. Always one step closer I'd like to think...Guess only time will tell.