Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Emotional rationalisation: Something to add...

RS: Hey!

ES: Oh hey...what do you want?

RS: Well I've been thinking...

ES: Yes?

RS: You know how this year you slept with two guys who had girlfriends?

ES: Oh...yeah that.


ES: I won't.

RS: Dude, it is so not cool. Once is possibly understandable, people are human...it happens... but twice?!!

ES: You sound like my best friend.

RS: They're right. What do you think it says about you?

ES: That I was selfish...that I gave into desire...that I didn't think about the bigger picture.

RS: Right. Do you want to be that kind of person? Where are your morals? How would you like it if someone did it to you?

ES: I know. I did think about that at the time briefly but then I just decided to take the karma whack later.

RS: Well...People will always disapprove and they will think less of you.  Not that you should care what people think always but...You should care about yourself! Your decency is coming into question here! You really should have more self-respect...and self-restrain for that matter! Aim higher and don't be a douche bag. No one really gains from that sort of situation, okay?

ES:...Well... there is the sexual gratification in the moment...

RS: ...but it is short-lived and then there is aways the guilt! And if you're not feeling guilty...?!!!

ES: Okay, okay...I don't know why I let it happen...Well I did...they were both too fit to resist. I guess I was just being selfish, it was thrilling and I thought no harm could come of it as no one would find out.

RS: Well, you're wrong - if anything you've harmed yourself. You have called your character into question, I thought you wanted more for yourself?

ES: I do...I guess I just rationalised that it was all part of life's rich tapestry and a mistake to try and then be able to take something from it...the experience, a lesson learnt.

RS: Rationalised? Don't blame me for this... Well, consider it a lesson. It is not a good thing to do.

ES: Ok, ok...point taken.

RS: Good....but I'm watching you!

Sunday, 28 October 2012

Emotional rationalisation: inner dialogues

This is an inner dialogue between my emotional side and my rational side about recent friendship worries.

ES: I'm angry with my friends.

RS: Anger is not going to get you anywhere.

ES: Okay, I'm a bit fed up then.

RS: That's better. Why?

ES: Well...I love them but some (in particular) of my closest friends have been pretty lame at keeping in touch and showing me they care.

RS: They do care about you, they are just busy.

ES: That's the same old excuse you give me every time.

RS: Well, it is true. Anyway, they have been in touch so you're kind of exaggerating and maybe blowing things out of proportion. You know you tend to do that and your friends have even told you that yourself.

ES: Yeah...but I remember days when our correspondence was more frequent and plentiful.

RS: Life changes and it can't always be a show centred round you.

ES: No, I'm not saying it should be...

RS: Plus you don't live in their city anymore and they could argue that it is you who has taken yourself off.

ES: I don't know...I just would like to hear from them a little more. I want more meaningful conversations to reassure me that I'm still special to them.

RS: I'm sure you are special to them...

ES: Well I don't feel that way...

RS: Well, isn't that your problem? And you've just got to deal with it. You need to work at letting go.

ES: Yeah I guess...still, I'm allowed to feel fed up a bit, right?

RS: Yes, but if you start getting demanding and grumpy with your friends you know you'll always get the opposite of what you desire...

ES: Man, this is frustrating!

RS: Yes, I suppose it is. Look, just leave it for now. Go busy yourself with making new friends and having new experiences. Your old friends will be in touch sooner or later if they are worth anything.

ES: Yeah but I worry, I have been busy doing all you said...

RS: Come on...don't focus on the negative. I know you miss these friends and worry about losing them or them not valuing you enough as you value them but it is also down to needs. They are in a city surrounded by your other friends - their needs are being met, your needs are wanting because you are in a new place and you have been in a lot of new places over the last few years and this is a great thing but doubt and loneliness initially come as part of the package. Anyway you need to look at the positives...

ES: Go on...

RS: Those other friends who are more reliable right now and in regular contact. The ones you've been Skyping and sharing long emails with. You have lots of friends! What does it matter about a few? Things ebb and flow...maybe one day in the future these people who write now will be busy and those other friends will be more abundant...you just never know.

ES: OK...yeah. You're right. I just hope that distance doesn't destroy things in the end.

RS: It shouldn't...and anyway we live in a world of social media and connection these days. It is hard to lose total contact.

ES: OK, but one more thing...there was that drama I had with that one friend back in June. I worry there is still ill feeling. I really don't know what brought that on...

RS: Yes you do, she was stressed from her course.

ES: OK, but girls don't forget these things...what if she is harbouring bad feeling still?

RS: What? Like you?! Let it go...it is colouring your perception.

ES: I'm trying to but I worry...

RS: You worry too much!

ES: Yes, yes I do.

RS: Just be patient. If in doubt, do nought. Just wait and see how the tide turns.

ES: Ok...but you know patience is my weakest point, right?

RS: Well that is something to develop then. Now go and do something else rather than writing out this dialogue to sort out your feelings!

ES: Okay! (reluctantly) Thanks....

RS: Anytime! I know you'll be back.

Monday, 22 October 2012

Blindfolded in the bedroom: a male perspective

I must admit, it came as a bit of a surprise when my girlfriend, Milly, expressed a desire to read 50 Shades of Grey. You have to have been in a coma for the majority of 2012 to not have heard about this ‘literary sensation’. Whatever your thoughts about it, it’s clearly popular but Milly is not the type to jump on the latest fad, let alone choose to read a highly sexual tale about domination/submission.

Now Milly is no shrinking violet (far from it) but, with coy smile, she draws clear lines in her life between the appropriate and the inappropriate - a cheeky but firm squeeze of her arse in public will result in a scowl and my hand swiped away as quickly as it had arrived whilst PDAs (Public Displays of Affection) are distasteful and to be avoided at all times.

She will occasionally break her own rules but, more often than not, she plays the role of the conservative well brought up girl – something that most definitely increases her allure. In short, the thought of her reading 50 Shades of Grey on the tube without blushing (she doesn’t own a Kindle so there is no hiding from prying eyes) seems very uncharacteristic.

I admit that my thoughts also turned to what she would think of reading descriptions of bondage and domination. In the past, she’s shown little desire for such things beyond nails clawing at my back or the occasional tug of her hair so, after she’s been away on holiday without me for two weeks and managed to finish the book, it takes me aback when she announces:

‘I can’t believe that we haven’t had sex the whole time I was reading 50 Shades of Grey’.

The twinkle in her eye and playful grin tells me all I need to know about what thoughts she’s had as she followed the story of Anastasia Steele and her Christian Grey.

This got me thinking...

In fact, for the next couple of days, I found it hard to think of anything else. I’ve only had the occasional experience with domination/submission in past relationships but because Millly is who she is, this seemed far more exciting. This was her fantasy and I’d not seen any sign of it in her before. It was only going to be a matter of time before I found myself in a Soho sex shop searching for ways that would allow us to explore this further.

I decided to keep it simple and start slowly. If I’d turn up with a rubber gimp suit, I suspect that this would have been a step too far! After perusing a Soho sex shops merchandise,  I settled on silk restraints and blind folds. This seemed like a safe place to start with material being soft, lightweight and long way from whips, chains and ball gags.

Milly was due round that evening and I spent most of the time before her arrival thinking about how I could go about introducing this into our sex life. Later, when we do start kissing and teasing each other, my excitement grows. I ask her to shut her eyes and turn her back to me. Hesitantly she agrees. I slip the silk out from below my pillow, whisper ‘trust me’ in her ear and wrapped the blindfold round her head with one and tied her hands together behind her back with the other. She gasped and...well I’m not going to go into minute detail but I do want to share several observations.

Evidently she was nervous and unsure about what exactly I had planned. However, her wariness increased her sensitivity and her soft moans quickly gave away that the lack of control was seriously turning her on. As I began to feel more comfortable with the situation myself, I learned that I could play with this by keeping her guessing about what exactly I was going to do to her. Without sight, she had no idea what part of her I was going devour, massage or penetrate next. Furthermore, with her hands tied, she was not able to stop me.

I became much more aware of the movement of her body as she seemed to push herself towards me whenever I touched her. As a result, I found myself lingering on the different areas of her body one by one. I played with her whilst observing how her body and breathing reacted, learning how to trigger different responses.

The feeling of control aroused me more than I had anticipated and before long I could not tease her anymore. The rest was over quickly and violently and we collapsed with both of us giggling manically at what had just occurred.

Now, I’m not going to list the top 10 tips for anyone who may be looking to try this out for themselves. We’ve clearly only scrapped the surface but I will say this: I want more. I’m fairly sure Milly does as well. So, whilst we explore this further, I highly recommend you do the same Dear Reader. You might surprise yourselves as we have.

So the question is, did I successfully become her Christian Grey?

Well although I have not read the book myself, I think I can safely say ‘no, probably not’.  I, unlike EL James’ complex protagonist, do enjoy sex without needing to accompany it with corporal punishment but, for me, that’s the joy of exploring sexuality with your partner. ‘Variety is the spice of life’, so they say and I cannot see myself having the discipline and self control to do this every time we want sex.

Then there is the element of surprise. If you make a habit of being tied up and spanked every time, then does that diminish the thrill? Personally, I don’t want to find out. Milly and I will try this again, but I like the idea that she does not know when it is coming.

I, at least for now, am in control.

Thursday, 18 October 2012

How did I forget Robert Downey Jr?!!!

Rightly so Robert...I'd be fed up too! I'm sorry I forgot you. You are sex on a stick...especially in Iron Man. Love the confidence...you remind me of Lash a little (probably because I watched Iron Man at his apartment). And you're another dark-eyed naughty boy so....you fit the bill plain and simple.

Monday, 15 October 2012

Pleasantly surprised...

Once again I take back some of the sentiments from my last post. My friend truly surprised me. We got to talking about the whole situation in bed the next day and I revealed my true feelings and thoughts - heck, he even read the blog posts I wrote here, despite my nervousness about his reaction - and you know what? He handled the honesty and was understanding and really mature about it. It was all fine.

We spent the weekend being fairly intimate but mainly relaxing together, safe in the knowledge that we are good friends and we want it to remain that way. There was no pressure, no expectation. Just enjoyment. It seemed we both understood the situation and left with no plans or thoughts other than that we had a good time and had grown closer with more respect for one another.

Fortunately the love bite had also faded somewhat by the time I returned to work today, although a colleague did comment on it when we went out the day after on the Friday. I told a blatant fib and mumbled an excuse about stress and rashes...He pretended to swallow it and asked no more. You can't hide these things really, but at the same time if you don't wish to take someone into your confidence and relate what privately goes on in the bedroom then that should be respected too
...says she writing about it openly on the Internet.

So...no drama. Nothing to worry myself about. I am really happy about how it has all turned out. Another lesson learnt...everyone is different and I need to be careful with past experiences leading to preconceived ideas.

Friday, 12 October 2012

Uh oh...as I predicted...

And so my Spanish friend has come to visit...
Right now he's sleeping in the spare room and I have woken up rather groggily from beer and wine, with a stomach ache and some regret....on my neck, displayed for everyone to see is the mark of this regret. 

The boy went and gave me a love bite! To say I'm narked is putting it a little mildly. I work in a profession where this isn't really appropriate (when is it ever?!) and I don't want my colleagues to know, who were are spending the day with today.

Even under two layers of foundation you can see it, and in Spain it really isn't scarf weather yet...

He's lovely my friend but I'm really not sure what to make of it. As things unfolded I did drunkenly protest a bit and then eventually I gave in. I'm going to hurt him I know...even if I did warn him:
 'No promises...' 

I said that to the last guy and six months later I wriggled out of it eventually leaving the guy rather crushed...

These nice guys...I don't know what to do with them...

He just kept repeating how beautiful I was...

It didn't work for me...

I guess we'll just have to see how it all pans out....

Thursday, 11 October 2012

Men I find seeeeeeeexy....

Er...its quite a mixed bag...
I've blown them up extra large so we can appreciate their beauty...
Tyler Hoechlin -best known for his role in Road to Perdition and the recent Teen Wolf. I go like a gooey teenager when I watch Teen Wolf... Dark, moody, half man, half wolf...grrrrr..... take a bite out of me any day sexy man!!!
Eddie Redmayne where have you been all my life? I only discovered you about a month ago...you are one beautiful boy...So English looking and tall and with eyes you could drown in that are so sincere and intelligent...your youthful, slightly parted lips...I would so like to kiss....
Hey Bradley Cooper! You were fc*kin' fit in The A-Team can I please tell you? Made my long haul flight more than bearable...even if the film wasn't anything major! Why can't I find any hi-res photos of you with your shirt off from that movie...Damn! You've got a brilliant twinkle in your eye and delicious stubble and hair to run your hands through...And the perfect American teeth don't do you no harm either...
Mr Serious Don Draper...or really known as Jon Hamm. Please don't smile, it ruins the effect. Stay oh-so-serious. Look grumpy, unimpressed and behave impatiently...It scares a woman a little but also excites her...you're a mountain of a challenge and with 'Don't fc*k with me' eyes like that I quiver at the bottom...
...but we all like challenges...
Can't forget Mr Pitt...particularly for his performance in Chuck Palahniuk'Fight Club. Total maniac full of charisma and with a torso so hot there would be no point running an ice-cube over it....liquid in seconds. Would happily swap places with Helena Bonham Carter in that movie....lucky biatch!
Jeff Goldblum, best known for his role in The Fly (kinda gross)...but sexy as hell in Jurassic Park. I don't know why he gets me...those dark brown eyes, the winning smile...put a pair of black framed glasses on him and he's got the geek-chic look going...his smooth American voice as he flirts with Laura Dern and casts little droplets of water over her hand...yes, oh yes, yes please!
Bill Pullman - again not the most conventional of choices but I grew up when blockbusters like Sleepless in Seattle, Independence Day and While You Were Sleeping were popular. He plays reliable, intelligent, solid, sometimes geeky characters...and well...you know I like the geek aspect...
The one and only Sean Connery, the smooth, sophisticated gentleman, the double 007 agent as James Bond, the Scot...do I really have to explain this one?! He has a licence to kill....!!! And yes, I actually preferred him as he has aged...Why do men age so beautifully?! Like expensive wines...
Tyrion Lannister  (Peter Dinklage)- some of my male friends looked a bit shocked when I reveal this fancy. He is a dwarf but that doesn't mean he can't be sexy?! The character of Tyrion Lannister is noble and charismatic and intelligent all the whilst being surrounded by the blood thirsty and the wicked or stupid. He shines in Game of Thrones. My favourite character by miles.... Pray he doesn't meet a bad end in a series where anyone can die.
Tom Selleck - check out that tash! I love you Tom Selleck. I watched you growing up in Three Men and a Baby and then Three Men and a Little Lady...I've always had a thing about facial hair (clearly daddy issues - my father has a beard and moustache)...maybe you were my first attraction for all I know because you reminded me of my dad?!!! That's Freudian for you....
'I even love your liver mouse!!!!'
Han Solo  (Harrison Ford) - just look at him. Look a Leia wanting him...He's sooo brave and dashing. He's got that edge and like Don Draper, he's got a little bit of that crankiness. There was once a boy down my road who reminded me a little of Han Solo and boy did I have a crush on him...Lush...totally lush...My favourite scene from Empire Strikes Back is when he gets incased in carbonite and bids Leia goodbye...Slight touch of arrogance there when she tells him she loves him and he simply says: 
'I know.' 
Makes you love him even more....

The one and only...Mr Sex God himself with that voice and his way with words...those slightly devilish eyebrows....Christian Slater was always a massive pin up on my wall as a teen. Heathers, Pump Up the Volume...even Interview with a Vampire...I was one hell of a fan. As Kristy Swanson said in the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer
'All I wanna do is graduate from high school, move to Europe, marry Christian Slater, and die"  
We couldn't agree more with her back then....
And finally...the Swayze....RIP. I even know straight men who have man-crushes on him. Forever immortalised in Dirty Dancing but also strongly remembered for his role in Ghost. Once voted 'The Sexiest Man Alive'... The man could dance and move his body and that is SEXY. Men, take note! He was also genuinely dedicated to his wife and from all accounts a lovely man... Bless him and his sexiness...
'Nobody puts Baby in a Corner!' 
Rightly said...

So there you have it...I hope I haven't forgotten anyone! 
What do you think? 
Who are your top sexy men? 
Do tell...!

Monday, 8 October 2012

A recommendation: Sexual Feelings blog

I think a friend recommended this blog to me - Sexual Feelings. So far, it is my favourite blog that I have come across whilst doing my research - mainly for the pictorial content.


I sent the link to a friend at work recently and then quickly sent a follow up email:

'Err...perhaps don't open this at work?!'

That wouldn't have gone down well...

It also works very nicely on my smart phone. I need to explore the tumblr blogging platform in more detail as it doesn't seem to comply to the rules I know of blogging thus far.

I have no idea how to comment for instance and I am often wondering where they get their amazing content. Any ideas?

Anyway...for you to enjoy! :) 

Thursday, 4 October 2012

Can things truly be platonic?! Am I over analysing?

So my Spanish friend is coming to stay next weekend. He's driving all the way from Madrid to stay for 4 nights. We have a superb online relationship. I think it kind of came about as in the past we've both been strong 'in a relationship' type people -i.e. always in and out of them, hardly ever single - and we were both learning to cope with singledom at the same time and needed someone of the opposite sex to talk to and share thoughts with.

He's much younger than me and has just finished University. When we talk/facebook chat I often feel like I'm Yoda and he's Luke Skywalker when it comes to relationship advice. I was his teacher in a professional environment long ago and now I'm a kind of teacher in a more personal respect. We often dissect and analyse the ins and outs of his romantic forays. He has been known to take my advice. Anyway, we support each other, we share a lot of the same interests and I think we both find each other a little bit attractive. It is a win-win situation when it all takes place online...

Offline however...who's to know? I mean...he is driving a heck of a way to come and see me. Does someone do this if things are merely platonic?! I mean...he is a guy, right. Is it unfair in this situation to go with the assumption that all men think with their dicks? I don't want to think along these lines, I'd like to fain naivety but...I can't help wonder: Is he expecting something? What is going to happen? Will we survive the long public holiday weekend? The following scenarios have gone through my mind:

a) We get along, we keep within the friendship frame, all is well.

b) We get along, he oversteps the mark, I give in because I'm terrible and I want some and think 'Why not? Live dangerously' then seriously live to regret it (as has happened in the past).

c) We get along, there are hints that he wants to overstep the mark but I block them, awkwardly so, and the weekend ends, him dissatisfied, me disillusioned...our friendship wanes and peters out.

d) We get along, there is an immense chemistry...it all clicks but then I remember that he's just that little bit too young, he needs to get his career off the ground here in Spain and I'm terribly independent these days and want to live in other countries.

e) The same as c but add to this - I want to sleep with other men too.

Hmm....I'm over analysing this way too much aren't I?! I'll let you know how the weekend pans out when we get there...

Update: Since writing this, I read this at Psychology Today...insightful!

Monday, 1 October 2012

Got To Get Me Some!

The lady I am staying with told me she hasn't had a kiss in 6 years recently. 6 years! I haven't had sex in two weeks and it is frustrating. Particularly so when it is the time of the month, as it is now. Also particularly so when once I was used to having it regularly. I've just been watching Mad Men and that has stirred me up too! Grrr.....

That is the one good thing about being in a relationship - sex on tap. This past year hasn't been dire but it could have been better. It started with an unexpected bang on New Year and was full of promise with a fling in London. This meant every time I visited the city I had a nice little set-up. 

The guy was adorable....possibly confused, but adorable. Nice warm smile, big brown eyes and he was very expressive and sensual in bed -liked to give massages. Hands down he was also the best person ever at giving head (this is a topic to be discussed in length sometime soon), which was exceptionally refreshing. 

I have this weird niggling feeling that he might have been bisexual though and in denial. He'd start sentences like: 'You know Ashton Kutcher, the really fit actor...?' and, maybe this is a terrible stereotype, but he loved George Michael and Wham and knew an awful lot about both - but then he was very passionate about music so maybe I'm being unfair? I don't know...it was just a minor vibe I picked up on.

The bugger though, decided to tell me that sex was off the menu at my birthday party. Another girl had come onto the scene so at least he was trying to be decent. Decent to her though...not me! It was never destined to be something major so I had a little grumble and then let it go. We met up recently for a drink, no hard feelings.

Around this time I also had a fling with someone I met on the Internet which lasted for about two months - I'll talk about this more another time too - and then there have been the last two bed sharing mishaps.

Oh and a few kisses here and there with foreign boys...a very sexy Italian (shame that never went further but probably for the best) and a super friendly Spaniard.

So what is around the corner? Would be nice to see some action between now and the end of the year... The lady I'm staying with says the boys here will eat me up with my blonde hair...I hope so! :) 

Guess only time will tell...